In one of her sketches, comedian Taylor Tomlinson says “I love my parents… because I am an adult”. It’s one of my favorite lines in the history of stand up not because it’s the funniest but because it is so.damn.true.
She continues to talk about a fundamental turning point of adulthood - the moment you realise that your parents who once seemed all-powerful and knowing are mere mortal humans who simply did their best.
Sure, they screwed up more times than you can count and now you’re too scared to trust a woman because your mother always used your insecurities against you or your father kept embarrassing you in front of his friends. The thing is, they didn’t know any better.
It may have seemed like a deliberate choice to traumatise you and ruin your childhood (and the rest of your life apparently) but the reality is, they were just as clueless about life as you are. At 26 they weren’t some all-knowing deities, they weren’t even certified child psychologists (and boy, if you think psychologists don’t screw up their kids...).
Actually, they may have been even more clueless than you are. Cause even though adult responsibilities hit sooner in those days, they didn’t have the whole self-help industry at their disposal in order to decipher their subconscious traumas and triggers and heal their own childhood wounds. Going to a therapist to find out why you keep dating guys who cheat on you or why you can’t seem to handle your anger wasn’t a thing back then.
So they made some pretty questionable decisions, picked up some quite unhealthy patterns from their own parents and told you to shoot for the stars when they themselves were almost entirely miserable with the lives they had created.
And you know what? They still love(d) you. So, so much. In their own imperfect way.
This doesn’t mean they necessarily had a good parenting style much less one you need to repeat. For as much as I love my parents, I sincerely hope to avoid their mistakes.
But it’s a sign of an immature self-absorbed a-hole to speak badly of your parents or still (well into your adulthood) hold a grudge. Believe me, I know how strained the relationship with your parents can be. Upon learning I’m gay, my mother bitterly laughed and said: “I guess your father will be sharing a drink with a vibrator.” I don’t think I can ever forget that.
So I don’t live in La La Land. My mom is not the patron saint of Motherhood and my father is not a character from “Little Women”.
Yet, I learned over time that these mortal humans I call mom and dad have biases, prejudices, fears, flaws, deficiencies, opinions, preferences - they’re products of their time and upbringing. And they’re also… well, not going to live forever.
The best thing I can do in the time we have left together is to accept them for who they are - complex and multi-layered as they are, uneasy as our relationship is - uphold my own boundaries and just love them the best I can.
And the same goes for my other relatives. Not because with their perfect, exemplary lives they earned the kind of familial bond that only exists in Hallmark movies, but because none of us has forever and forgiveness, grace, kindness and love should be practised with those we find the most difficult to love - ironically, our parents, our relatives, our partners…
They hold the greatest power to hurt us because they’re the closest in our inner circle.
To make this post more fun, I composed a little list you can refer to when trying to assess whether you’re putting up healthy boundaries or being a self-absorbed (an immature) a-hole. Cause we can all use some growth.
Healthy boundaries look like…
A relative makes a comment about your life like “If you don’t get married soon you’ll miss the last train” or “You should have kids while you’re young enough to look after them”.
You let it slide - their opinions have no judicial power over your life. They’re free to make judgements but at the end of the day, YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
And you know you can’t change their mind, anything you say is likely to result in an unpleasant exchange. So you politely nod and do what you were going to do anyway because this is your life.
But you might be an a-hole if…
You go off. How dare they? This is your life and you did not ask for their opinion! It’s 2020 for God’s sake, update your worldview, Grandpa.
You cause a scene at the dinner table, everyone is now in a bad mood.
Healthy boundaries look like…
It’s your grandma’s birthday. You want to call her but every time you do, she starts criticising you and guilt-tripping you about not calling and visiting enough.
So you call her in one of your breaks at work and you say something like “Hey, grandma, happy birthday! I only have 5 minutes, cause I’m at work but I wanted to wish you <<insert birthday wishes here>>”.
But you might be an a-hole if…
What, are you kidding me? She doesn’t deserve a call after the nasty things she said on Christmas. If she didn’t want to die alone and forgotten, she should’ve thought about commenting on your weight and implying that you must be a selfish harpy for not wanting kids.
So what if this may be her last birthday? She had it coming.
Healthy boundaries look like…
The gal you’ve been on a few dates with doesn’t seem to be, like, really into you. Oh well, you can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. She deserves someone she's crazy about and you deserve someone to be crazy about you too.
But you might be an a-hole if…
Um, what??? Does she need her eyes checked - she’s never dating someone like you again. As if. You never really liked her anyway and you let her know in no uncertain terms.
I had a come-to-Jesus moment a few weeks ago when I realised I can no longer blame anyone for how I turn out or how I react to situations. My mom did what she could, then my therapist put some pieces together but now it’s entirely on me.
And that’s the thing, my darlings, the only way to not fall into a-hole-dom is to embrace radical accountability for aaaalll the sh-t you do and say… and feel. No one should have the remote control to your feels either.