I was on the phone with one of my close friends - we both love talking about deep stuff. Life, politics, religion, culture… love. So, yes, that’s why we’re here. He just loooooves himself a girl who doesn’t want him back.
Or a girl fresh out of a relationship. Or a girl not interested in men at all. Or a girl desperately in love with someone else.
You get the point - he wants the ones who don’t want him. And I get that, I was like that. I’d fall for someone purely based on her vibrant personality, her beautiful character, her sense of humour… blah blah blah.
It’s boring, that’s what it is.
‘Unrequited love’ as they call it is boring. You’re not young Werther, you’re not some wan poet who’s going to disappear into the moors, you’re not a martyr for love - you’re dull. You lack imagination. And self-respect. And self-appreciation. And honestly, probably very many things as well.
I know it sounds harsh but I was you. I used to think it’s so romantic and poetic, and so tragic… But it’s just really, really boring.
There are so many beautiful, exciting, magical, fulfilling, electrifying things you can do and experience with someone who loves you. I’m talking long romantic walks, movie nights, cuddles, making out, stargazing, travelling, hours upon hours of… enjoying each other’s presence… baking cookies, talking about the Universe, choosing names for your future kids, planning your wedding, watching your baby take her first steps… the list is basically endless.
You can build a whole ass life with someone who loves you. And that, that is romantic, that is poetic and beautiful. That is exciting.
Someone who doesn’t like you like that? Boring. Trite. A snooze fest.
I now can’t imagine finding someone’s lack of enthusiasm to see me in any way compelling. Part of what makes us fall for someone is this instantaneous chemistry - the tension, the playfulness, the banter, the electricity… Anything other than that lacks spark. And why, why on Earth would you want it?
Oh, but that person is so amazing, so special, so right for you… Um, no? If they’re not as madly in love with you as you are with them, they can’t possibly by definition be right for you.
The thing about unrequited love is, we accept what we believe we deserve. And when you believe that no one you find that amazing and special, and awesome could ever love you back - you stay in the purgatory of ‘unrequited love’ far too long.
And if you dodge this one (and you will eventually get over them), you’ll fall for the next one. You’ll put them on a pedestal and adore them from afar, and keep your feelings to yourself so you don’t scare them away and waste years, precious years of your life being unrequitedly in love with it-doesn’t-matter-who.
The people change, the scenario doesn’t.
Because it’s not about the person, it’s about the emotion that you get, the familiarity of the way it develops. It can’t possibly lead anyplace new. You know exactly where and how it ends.
There is no danger you will actually find yourself building a lifetime commitment. It doesn’t require anything new of you, anything out of your comfort zone. It doesn’t challenge or ask you to be better.
And that is precisely why it happens. There are two components to the serial Werther:
1) you don’t believe you are inherently loveable, therefore you don’t believe you will be loved by someone you actually like, respect, and admire - because what could such a person possibly see in you?;
2) you’re actually scared shitless of long-term commitment and a real relationship that requires you to put in consistent effort and face your flaws and short-comings.
For the first one, I don’t have the answer. You can chant affirmations all you want but even psychologists agree it doesn’t really work unless you believe in what you are telling yourself.
Maybe you can go down the rabbit hole and find out where your lack of self-love is coming from. I cannot recommend therapy enough - sure, it isn’t perfect and there are many things even the most current treatments get wrong about 'trauma'. But with the right therapist by your side, you can learn quite a lot about yourself and why you feel the way you feel and do the things you do.
The second one… grow up, I guess? Look, I know it’s not that easy and there may be plenty of issues you need to address before you’re ready to commit to someone (possibly for the rest of your life). But at one point we all have to grow up and trade the endless possibilities for the singular reality of doing life and building a real, all-enduring connection with someone.
This doesn’t mean the next person you meet after deciding to take a leap into faith (as is the correct translation of that famous phrase from Kierkegaard) will be The One. It means you are at least giving yourself the chance to one day meet this person.