My therapist once told me, “Maturity is the ability to tolerate ambiguity”. Or maybe she said, “Maturity is measured by our capacity to tolerate ambiguity”. Or was it... Either way, you get the message. It stuck with me. Thank you God for therapy - it’s the reason I don’t have a day-drinking problem. Or a not-eating-anything problem, anymore.
Well, anyway, back to maturity. And ambiguity. As a very anxious person, ambiguity is not among my faves. I have (a significantly less pronounced now) OCD - I trust all of these small ‘rituals’ to keep me safe. I wash my hands because of the germs, I wash my face because of the “evil eye” (and because I have a whole night routine, it’s a thing, I’m a girl) - you get the picture.
Yet, there are soooo many life situations ripe for anxiety. And not just any ordinary anxiety, mind you, I get that low-grade slow-burn anxiety that just like, hums at the backstage of all my thoughts. It’s not fun.
I’m doing better. Much better I’d say. I only fear losing a limb or getting cancer twice a year now for about two days - I have my intrusive thoughts 24/7 and then they go away. And I have become much less superstitious than I was. And, get this, I even sometimes eat with the same hand I’d touch my phone with. Wild.
But, relationships are what used to bring out the true Anxiety Monster. To be fair, I also used to date people I knew were wrong for me from that first hello.
My ex is polyamorous (and you guys know I am the Empress of Monogamy, Nelly the Great, First of Her Name), another girl I dated was emotionally distant in that cold, I’ve-never-been-hugged-as-a-kid kind of way.. which, not her fault obviously but the point is - not right for me. Mismatched. That tends to generate anxiety, generally speaking. The disparity between who you say you want to be with and who you actually date.
Still, my tiny raspberry muffin, if you are an anxious person - there’s gonna be at least a little anxiety at least sometimes even in the healthiest, steadiest, emotionally-safest relationship. Even with the sweetest, the most reliable, secure person you happen to be compatible with.
And when that happens, there are a few things you need to keep in mind. I wish I had learned these lessons sooner and I wish I was better prepared to be the kind of girlfriend I want to be but… no point in wishing. We learn when we learn.
No 1: You are dating a person. A living, breathing human being.
Let’s go ahead and assume that you’ve picked someone you have common values with and compatible ways of expressing affection, and let’s even go so far as to assume you are more or less compatible in your lifestyles, interests, etc. Great. That’s already fantastic. You lucky bastard, you.
Now, this person is still a person. A separate, autonomous person with their own feelings, moods, quirks, life circumstances, desires, preferences… as opposed to an embodied version of your wildest rom-com fantasies come to fulfil you completely and magically somehow always do the thing you wish they would and feel the way you wish they felt.
This is very important to understand. Your partner is their own little world that existed way before you met.
They’re not here to follow a script and play a role you came up with late at night when you let your imagination run wild. Real people tend to be messy and unpredictable and most often than not they don’t see things exactly as we do and their feelings are not very convenient.
So, instead of going down an anxious spiral when your honey-boo is annoyed at some stupid thing on your romantic get-away when you were ‘supposed to’ be super cheesy 24/7 and instead of giving this some grandiose meaning - just accept that your person is human.
There’s no time schedule for romance, no ‘supposed to’s in love and letting life be what it is is always the best course of action.
No 2: Accept that there are no guarantees.
There is nothing someone can say or even do that will give you the kind of certainty that your mind needs when you get anxious. Searching for certainty is a never-ending unfulfilling quest that will destroy your sanity.
Even walking down the aisle is not a guarantee. People can always leave you. Let’s repeat that: people can always leave you.
No matter what they say, no matter what they promise (or the good intentions they have), no matter how many ties bind you. People leave their families after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids, and a mortgage.
I know what you’re thinking “How is this supposed to calm my anxiety?”. You wish there was some equivalent of the Unbreakable Vow that could 100% guarantee that your love will last forever. But there isn’t.
And the sooner you accept that the sooner you’ll be able to feel all the relief and joy and peace that comes with it. It’s like this: you meet someone who’s really cool and attractive and you like each other very much, and you have a lot of fun together, and this is such an amazing thing that happened. Are you gonna get married? Are you gonna be buried next to each other? Are your bodies going to be decaying together while your souls are in search of one another in the next life? You.can’t.know.that. You really can’t. Are you going to spend every day of the rest of your relationship agonising over it? I mean, you can. But you’ll miss out on all the fun and joy and sexy times happening right now.
I truly believe that moment by moment is how the most beautiful things come to be. The happiest couples I know didn’t plan to be happily married (or cohabitating), they didn’t expect it, they didn't go “This is the person I’m going to marry” right away. They met, they liked each other, they started dating… and 5+ or for some of them 10+ years later they’re still together, by choice, happy, in love and peaceful.
I’ve noticed that whenever I take it day by day and give myself grace and allow myself to just be - is when I feel the most at peace. Content. Trustful. Life is light, I have surrendered to a higher wisdom guiding me in perfect timing.
Because the timing of the Universe is always perfect. Mine can be rushed and impatient, short-sighted, blinded by ego. But at the end of the day, everything is right on schedule.
And we are left with no other choice but to surrender to the higher wisdom.
No 3: Don’t give anyone the remote control to your emotions.
Like I said, your person is a person. And people are moody and chaotic, and we have all sorts of contradicting desires and sometimes we sabotage our own happiness and we rarely do what is good for us on a consistent enough basis.
If your peace of mind is dependent on your partner feeling good you will go insane. I know. Sometimes, as an outsider, you can tell better than they can that what they’re doing is gonna lead them to misery. Or minor discomfort at the very least. And you do want them to feel good because when they feel good, you feel good. But I’m here to tell you this is selfish. You selfish bastard, you.
First of all, you cannot deprive them of their own experiences in life. If they have to fail this test in order to learn not to drink the night before an important exam - who are you to try and take this away from them? And for what, so you don’t have to listen to them moping over failing and wallowing in self-pity the next day? That’s pretty selfish.
Second of all, their emotions are not your emotions. There is a difference between compassion and enmeshment. You can empathize without literally feeling sad along with them.
I used to think this was a somewhat cynical perspective to have. Sounded kinda cold to me. But then I realised - the biggest gift you can give to your partner is the freedom to be exactly who they are and feel exactly as they do.
When your emotional well-being becomes dependent on them feeling good at all times, well… now they don’t have the freedom to feel shitty, lest you get upset. They can’t complain about that exam they failed because it will affect your mood and now you’re both feeling down.
And what’s more - you can’t even extend true compassion to them now because you’re in a bad state of mind and on some level, you become a little resentful - how dare they not feel good and ruin your evening???
You gotta let them feel their feelings and make their choices and take the consequences. It is the loving thing to do.
And, by refusing to hand over the remote control to your emotions you can now be a truly fantastic partner. Because you remain your own person while giving them the freedom to be their own person as well - and still, have compassion for what they go through.
Counterintuitively enough, in order to release anxiety, you have to make peace with the opposite of what you think you need. Where your mind is searching for certainty, let your spirit find peace in the unknown.
Learn to tolerate the ambiguity of both missing your partner and being happy to give them space, of having empathy and yet not feeling their feelings, of having a preferred outcome and yet letting the pieces come together in their own time. Know that it’s perfectly fine and… for lack of a better word, normal to feel two seemingly incompatible feelings at the same time.
I’ve slowly built a high tolerance for ambiguity in my life. Now I can be at peace while simultaneously missing my girlfriend and being happy that each of us gets to do all of the fun, cool, soul-nourishing things we want to when we’re apart for some time. And trust me, time spent apart is (again, counterintuitively) a necessity - it truly makes the heart grow fonder. Hate to use a cheesy metaphor but... fire needs air to keep on burning.