If there is one thing I want in my life - I mean, I really, really want, like some people want to have children or… become millionaires - is to be 15 years into my marriage and still IN LOVE. Like, in love in love.
I want that Shania Twain love, I always cry at this song, I’m such a sap. I want to be called “my love” so often I start to ruin legal documents, maybe require a name change eventually. I want to be dancing with my wife in our home at 2 a.m. just because we’re stupidly in love with each other. I want 15 years in to still want to her to fuck.my.brains.out. Yep.
God, I am way too passionate and way too pretty to waste my soul on a mediocre love. On a copy of my parents’ marriage. On what my friends swear is the best-case scenario - doing life with your bestie. . Like, sure, I’d like some friendship mixed in there - having fun together and binging tv shows. But your lover is not your friend, I have enough friends already.
Lover. I love this word and not just cause I’m a Swiftie. It sounds so intimate and old-timey. So… sexy. Not my partner or my girlfriend - my lover. Like we’re sneaking off to make out, like I’m always prepared to smear red lipstick, like we wake up still tired, like we slow-dance at parties… You know, things you don’t do with your bestie.
One of my good friends got engaged recently. It’s so weird to be at that age when your friends start getting married and having babies.
It’s something she said, though, that had me googling “Can you stay in love forever?” like a crazy person. She said that after some years together, the best you can hope for is that the other person doesn’t annoy you simply by breathing.
Wow. That’s sad as shit. The straights are depressing me. ...no offence.
So, the million-dollar question - is she right? Should I listen to this wise counsel? Is it a hopeless endeavour to try and find the person you will still have deep meaningful conversations and hot passionate sex with 5+ years after the ‘honeymoon’ is over?
Well, according to science - and science is always right obviously - my friend is wrong. Psychology Today presents us with a study on the similarities between the brains of newly in love couples and couples who have been married for 21 years but report strong in-love feelings, including sexual attraction.
The study found that you can, in fact, stay in love with your partner - even if some things inevitably change. For example, those who were married for 21 years (on average, whatever that means) liked their partner on top of also wanting them - a notable difference between them and the newly in love.
But overall, there were a lot of similarities in what the study lists as “Characteristics of Intense Romantic Love”:
“Craving for union; Focused attention; Increased energy with the partner; Motivation to do things that make the partner happy; Sexual attraction and thinking about the partner when apart”.
Phew! This put my mind at ease. Apparently, it happens.
But why? And more importantly - how? Why does it happen to some and not others? Why did my parents grow to resent each other? Why does my friend believe that not feeling contempt at your partner is as good as it gets?
I don’t know. My therapist doesn’t know. Or at least she refused to tell me.
I do suspect, however, that like everything else in life, it has to do with your character and your choices. Here’s what I think: 1. You have to be brave enough to let go of the wrong ones and risk being alone for a looong, looong time. And you have to like it on your own, learn who you are on your own, figure out a thing or two about life on your own.
I cannot even begin to describe what a blessing it’s been to live alone. To get used to the silence, to my own company and my thoughts. Because here’s the thing - you can’t use other people to fill the silence or distract you from your anxious thoughts. It’s not fair to them but it also doesn’t work.
Before you’re ready to settle down you have to make peace with yourself, develop a loving bond with your own soul first and refuse to settle for anyone who isn’t an improvement on your solitude.
2. You kinda have to… stop sucking so damn much. I’m sorry, I know that’s rude - but it’s true! We’re all very, very selfish. Our main focus is on us and what we’re getting out of this relationship or that relationship and are we happy enough, can we be even happier, is this Insta-worthy, do other people have it better…?
But a great relationship is built when we focus on the other. How can I brighten her day? How can I build her up? How can I inspire her? How can I be more forgiving? How can I be more patient and kind? How can I show more tenderness and affection? How can I give?
Like, I know I said that a relationship should be an improvement on being single - which implies you should be “getting something” out of it. And that’s the thing - when two givers get together magical things happen. So make sure you’re in a giver - giver relationship. And don’t get preoccupied with your own level of satisfaction - love is not customer service.
3. I can talk about this one for hours but Ester Perel says it so well - don’t ask “How do you turn me on?” but rather ask “How do I turn myself on?”. And no, this is not an ode to masturbation as an alternative to sexy times with your lover.
What she means by that is - take an honest look at what makes you feel sexy, what moves around your life force energy. Cause that’s what the libido is - life energy.
What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel invigorated? What makes you feel excited? Bold? Playful? Competent? Magnetic?
Don’t put it on your partner to make you feel that way. Sure, let them know how to seduce you, what you like, what you want. But ultimately, your sexuality is your own. It’s for you. It’s a wonderful gift for your partner as well - but it starts with you.
You can’t keep having sex if all you talk about is work. If you spend the evenings on the couch in front of the news. If the sexiest thing you’ve done all week is binge Netflix. Get off your ass and go work out. Find a hobby. Spend some time apart. Do something that makes you feel happy to be alive.
Sooo many people just dump the responsibility for how they feel on their partners - “Entertain me! Make me happy! Get me in the mood!”. It starts within. But it also takes two - like everything else in love. Be that person but also choose that person for your partner.
So. What's the verdict? Can love last? Apparently. Science says so.
I mean, I can at least try. I can also settle later in life… in my third marriage perhaps. Ultimately, I believe we owe it to ourselves to try. To give our best, to let the wrong ones go, to become who we always wanted to be… and to hope that’s enough.
Like, even if there’s nothing more to it and some people just get lucky - why can’t that be me? Why can’t it be you? It has to be someone.