In every good relationship there inevitably comes a time when your special person sees you in your stained t-shirt and yoga pants more often than your satin nightie. This time, according to psychology, comes around the 2-5 month of dating. And if everything is going right, this indicates deeper bonding has begun and you’re headed to real-intimacy town.
And if you’re dating during a lockdown… this moment happens a little sooner.
With not many date options before us, my babe and I mostly hang out at home - we cook, we watch movies, we cuddle… it’s blissful really. But I’ve seen my parents kill romance in all conceivable ways for long enough to be a little wary. I mean, there is a line between not wearing sexy underwear all the time and peeing while your partner is brushing their teeth in the same bathroom. And I am not crossing that line.
It just got me thinking: is romance the necessary casualty of closeness? A little less romance is a good thing.
If you’re not fanatically shaving every single new hair that barely pokes its head out your skin that’s actually a good thing. I’m not making the case for ‘letting yourself go’ but feeling a little more comfortable is not the same as becoming the crypt keeper.
It means you’re now able to trust that your person is with you for something deeper than your looks and maintaining perfection is not the name of the game, not with them. There’s something bigger bonding you two together, something other than your gorgeous ‘look’ after 2 hours spent in front of the mirror and their impeccable taste in whisky and film noir. You can eat a burger right in front of them, ketchup dripping down your wrist, crumbs in the corners of your mouth… and they still like you. Just as you are.
When the pressure’s gone to make every moment as romantic as can be, you start to realise that life is made up of many, many… many moments. And if you get to spend them together, there’s gonna be plenty of opportunities to be silly, goofy, serious, sad, stressed, bored, excited and yes, romantic together.
Life is really not your playground.
I used to believe that since I’m only given one life (in this reincarnation that is) I deserve my life to be EPIC. Like, travelling the world, winning a Nobel prize, becoming a princess through marriage kind of epic.
I am, needless to say, now ashamed of how immature I was well into my early twenties. The reality is, existing in a human suit can be pretty amazing and you can arrive at your deathbed having lived a full, well-spent life. You can make every day count. You can kiss who you want to kiss and take each opportunity that makes you just a little bit scared. But
if you focus on the big, epic things - you’ll soon find out that life can never be big enough.
It’s the same with romance. I’ve watched my classmates post pictures of their huge red rose bouquets and huge diamond rings and big fancy anniversaries and there’s always something a little bit off about it.
What do you do when the flower shops are closed? Are you two still in a relationship when Instagram crashes?
Now, I don’t want to spoil a long-awaited Disney/Pixar collab but… I just loooved that movie Soul and everything that it implies about chasing the ‘big things’. You end up missing out on everything that makes life wonderful.
Relationships are not just anniversaries and fancy dates. They’re also the way your person makes you coffee, the way they snuggle into you, becoming obsessed with a tv show together, playing video games, burning toast, running out of milk, laughing during sex, not getting their clues, saying something stupid…
And it’s all wonderful and beautiful and lovely when it’s with someone who feels like home. Someone who makes your soul quiet.
Keep the spark alive within you.
I know my girlfriend doesn’t care, I know she finds me pretty in my yoga pants but I decided to replace my collection of stained t-shirts I wear at home with something a little more stylish. There’s something to be said about feeling your best even when your partner likes you with Cheetos in your hair.
Keeping your own spark alive though is not merely about appearances. It’s about understanding that you are your first and main source of joy.
Now that you’re no longer a single pringle it doesn’t mean you should start looking to your partner for entertainment, fulfilment and happiness.
Keep doing what you loved doing before you met them.
Keep growing, keep learning, keep going to your hot yoga classes, keep trying new things, keep putting on nice clothes… Keep getting excited about the little things.
I mean, how motivated would you be to get that romance on with someone who has become a dull version of the vibrant person you fell in love with?
If you long for deep conversations, don’t just expect them to fall out of the heavens - create them yourself. Ask interesting questions. Read interesting books. Practice your hobby. Share your thoughts. Don’t take your partner and the connection you have for granted.
Yes, romance is not a constant. I used to think it was only straight relationships that lost their spark. But now I know that we’re all at risk of getting a little too comfortable with our partners.
I see it in myself - I want to wear that sexy underwear all the time but I just don’t seem to be able to do it as effortlessly as I used to. And that’s the thing - it used to be easy because we’re all naturally wired to impress our potential partners. Once the impressing is done, it’s no longer as easy to put on lipstick and bake banana bread, it takes some effort.
But effort is a good thing. Great relationships are not built on the inertia of the dating phase. They’re sustained by the effort both partners put towards understanding each other and winning each other all over again. Effort says I respect you enough to never take you for granted and to never stop proving you made the right choice by choosing me.
When I’m happy, when I’m taking care of my own inner world, when I’m being productive… I just am a better partner. I have more to talk about, I feel good about myself which makes me more flirty and vibrant, I have more energy, I naturally dress better because I feel better about my body.
If there is one thing I never want to forget it’s this: you need to keep the spark alive within yourself. It all starts with you.
At the end of the day, you have nothing to lose by taking good care of your own self and building a life you enjoy. And your partner is only going to reap the benefits.
P.S. I am obsessed with that scene in Sex and the City 2 where Carrie tells Big: “Look...it's just going to be you and me...every night, for the rest of our lives. And I think that we are going...to have to work on the sparkle...for the rest of our lives.” Because… yes. That’s it. If you’re in it for the long haul, it is going to be just the two of you. And if you want a great relationship, a relationship worth having… you’ll have to work on it. That kind of relationship doesn’t just happen.
My point is, let go of the unrealistic expectations of romance-fueled date nights, night after night and embrace the fact that you’ll be seeing each other in PJs more often than fancy suits and dresses. But don’t throw out the romance altogether unless you're prepared to find yourselves one day more roommates than lovers.