Real love is easy. No really, it is. I used to be an Attachment styles junkie, watching every YouTube video made by a psychologist who talked about shitty childhoods as if they are in any way comparable to the trauma of actual abuse.
Like, oh no, your mom didn’t really get you??? You’re now scarred for life. It’s basically the same as living with an alcoholic who sold your sister for a bottle of vodka and is beating you every day.
Shitty psychological advice is actually the reason I am writing this.
You know when Camila Cabello (I know, eye roll, I’m too cool to listen to her) said “I always thought I was hard to love until you made it seem so easy”? Yeah. That's what this is about.
I started going to therapy very young, I was 16 I think. I’m pretty sure.
I did have my fair share of issues but for a long time I was in an unhealthy obsession with pop-psychology and “fixing myself”. All of my troubles seemed to center around romantic relationships and I was convinced something was deeply wrong and unloveable about me. As if on cue I was attracting people who confirmed my fears and never missed an opportunity to make me feel unworthy of normal human affection.
Until I… well, until I kind of stopped trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. I reached a point where I was too tired of “fixing” myself and too old to pretend I was someone I’m not. I pretty much gave up on the idea of finding The One and figured that if I ever did meet someone, accepting me for who I am was the first prerequisite.
And - this is a part of the story - I met my girlfriend.
Fighting is not passion.
I know exactly who needs to hear this - having fights with your partner is not indicative of strong passion but rather a sign something might be very, very wrong. Fighting, especially often, can mean anything from irreconcilable incompatibility to a poor interpersonal tool kit.
What is an interpersonal tool kit?
An interpersonal tool kit is the set of skills, acquired behaviours and attitudes that make dealing with other people easier.
Putting yourself in the other’s shoes is one such skill. Having humility and restraining your ego is another. Giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming the best (until proven wrong by a pattern of behaviour) is an important attitude to have in any relationship. And so is the willingness to be wrong.
The ability to catch your own biases and kinda go “well, I was late last time and my partner was very gracious about it, so I will let this one go”. Also, not sweating the small things. Letting your partner be right. Not trying to control situations and letting them be what they are. Giving your partner the opportunity to express their own ideas about how things should go. And so on.
My girlfriend often remarks on how “chill” I am. And while she’s not wrong, what she doesn’t seem to realise is that my being so easy-going is the result of 2 things working together: one, we’re just a good fit - it’s easy to be chill with someone who treats you with respect, consideration and kindness and who, in general, wants similar things and has similar values; and two, trying to control situations and having too many expectations never went well for me… so I kinda had to chill - otherwise I was going to lose my marbles.
Back when I was still decidedly un-chill I used to mistake fighting for passion and the more someone hurt me the more convinced I was she was the right person for me. Now, I’m way too tired for this shit. Any disagreement or tension can be resolved with lots of kindness and zero fighting.
And if it can’t? Then it’s another issue altogether.
Incompatibility is incurable.
I’m a hopeless romantic, I want to be with one person ideally for the rest of my life, I don’t have the urge to “explore my options” and I have zero FOMO now that I’m no longer “on the market”. The worst, and I mean the worst possible partner for me is someone who is a) cold and distant with a touch of commitment issues, b) not super into monogamy.
And yet… this perfectly describes the kind of people I dated. And the whole time I thought I was the problem. Well, the gaslighting didn’t help either. I was told I was asking for too much so many times that I started to believe it.
But now, when I’m with my girlfriend, and I have everything I ever dared to hoped for and more? I see how easy to please I actually am.
It’s just about finding the person who gets you. Who wants those things you do. And that person really, truly does exist.
If I’d taken to heart my ex saying “There is no one who can give you that.” I would’ve missed out on this amazing relationship that I’m in now.
Don’t let people bully you into believing you’re asking for too much just because they can’t give you what you’re asking for.
Real love feels easy. It makes you feel easy to love. It makes loving another person seem easy too.
I absolutely reject the notion that “love is hard work”.
Life is hard enough as it is, your relationship should feel like a safe harbour where you can weather the storms. It should feel warm and cosy and soft.
My girlfriend doesn’t always “make me happy” - that’s not her job. She doesn’t magically fix my bad moods and difficult feelings, neither is she capable of “giving me” the sense of purpose that I need in my life. Love is not a magic kingdom where sadness never dwells.
But love, good healthy love, is like a home where you’re free and welcome to feel however you feel. To be who you are, to experience your joys and your sorrows, to let your guard down and just - exhale.
And yes, it takes effort sometimes. I’m not gonna lie and tell you that everything I do for and with my partner comes easy and I never have to fight my selfish impulses or I never get unreasonably frustrated, or that it’s always a walk in the park to assume the best and consider her perspective. But I can tell you, for sure, 100%, it never ever feels like “hard work”. Not for a second.
Dating the wrong people can f*ck you up.
My past still haunts me sometimes - like last night, I got scared and couldn’t fall asleep. I texted her well past midnight because she’s my go-to person when something’s on my mind. She was so sweet about it and she assured me I could call her in the middle of the night and yet the awful thought popped-up - was I being ‘too much’? Was I asking for too much? Was I being too dramatic? Was she going to begrudgingly give me what I need and then resent me for it? I cannot stress this enough - please never date someone who makes you feel like the most natural human form of support - just being there - is an impossibly heavy burden.
Your partner should want to comfort you. And if they don’t? Well, they’re not a very good partner then. And that’s not your fault.
Real, healthy love feels as easy as telling your friend you’re getting a little hungry and them going “Oh, I know this place around the corner”. Can you imagine fighting about something like this with your friends? I feel exhausted just thinking about it. Your everyday needs are not a negotiation and your emotional needs shouldn’t be either.
And trust me, trust me, trust me - there’s someone for everyone and if you’re just brave enough to let go of the one you have to fight to keep, you’ll meet the love that feels like home. Like a warm hug. Like a cup of hot chocolate. Like a nice long exhale.