Right before Corona hit, just as we had welcomed 2020, this nightmare of a year (but we didn’t know that yet), my ex, the woman I seriously thought I would marry, broke up with me.
I was *devastated*. My God did I fucking cry my eyes out wailing into a pillow like a fucking banshee. It was a rollercoaster of emotions - I was sad, I was angry, I was disappointed, I was wallowing in self-pity, wishing I had never met her, promising to never trust anyone like that again… I am a drama queen. No, but really, it was tough. I mean, I could use self-deprecating humour to seem cool but in reality, my heart was broken.
It’s still kinda sad if I’m being honest. What we had was really precious to me and I’m sure, to her as well. And that, that is even sadder.
It’s sad in a way I can’t really wrap my mind around. Sure, that’s not my first breakup. But it was the first time, I think, when I was truly, really in love with the person. Not with the idea of her or the idea of being in a relationship. And so to me, this concept of “I love you for exactly who you are… but I cannot be happy with exactly who you are” is not just a new thing (apparently, other people are familiar with the experience) but also a paradox.
I had spent years, precious years of my life, “interviewing” people for the position of girlfriend (and future wife), instead of falling in love with them. And suddenly there I was, falling madly, stupidly, recklessly, out-of-control in love with someone who could never ever in a million years be the kind of person I could be happy with.
I don’t remember one thing we could agree on. I remember calling her out on treating me like the enemy - but then, when meeting my needs required her to deny her own how could she see me as anything but?
Had someone told me something like this was possible, I’d never believed it. I adored this woman for everything that she is and everything she is not and yet, being with her was the most painful, tormenting, unbearable thing and I thank the Powers That Be this isn’t my life now and forever.
Now, in the spirit of honesty, this wasn’t a clean break up. We ended up trying to be FWB and failing miserably at not being hopelessly in love with each other and looking for rings on Etsy (at least I was, if you can believe that). It got progressively more painful until… well.
It hurt so, so much that for a long time after we were done (I’m ashamed to admit how long) I was just about ready to give up e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g I had hoped love would be.
So what if I was constantly anxious? So what if she was pulling away every time we got too close for comfort? So what if she wasn’t as affectionate… or reliable? So what if I couldn’t fully trust her? So what if she wasn’t making space in her life for me?
It didn’t matter. I was willing to take whatever time, affection or attention she could spare me. When her walls were finally down, they were down and it felt glorious. I was willing to bear the long stretches of misery and disconnect between those precious moments when she was finally fully present and fully mine.
Have you seen How I Met Your Mother? I love this show. In one of the later seasons (can’t remember which one) Ted, knowing what he now knows, imagines going back in time to knock on the door of the woman who would become his wife and tell her: “Hi. I’m Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are going to meet. And we’re going to fall in love. And we’re going to get married and we’re going to have two kids. And we’re going to love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I’m here now, I guess, because I want those extra 45 days. With you. I want each one of them. And if I can’t have them, I’ll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face. Because I love you. I’m always going to love you. Until the end of my days. And beyond.”
I’m crying as I’m writing this because that’s how much of a hopeless romantic I am and you have to be too in order for this one trick to work. Are you ready? Here it is.
I want those extra however-many days with her. Whoever she is, wherever she is now, our lives are going to end one day and I want every single second we could possibly have together. And this means that I have to let the ‘wrong’ ones go.
I cannot twist myself into a pretzel in order to desperately hold on to something that simply does.not.work. I can’t do it because somewhere out there there is someone who just fits in all the right ways. Who makes sense. Who doesn’t need me to twist into a pretzel, to become not-me, to hold on to.
And she doesn’t know it yet but she’s thinking of me when she’s wondering where the fuck her future wife is. I cannot deprive her and myself of that extra year or five years or even a day I spend trying to ‘make it work’ with someone who is wonderful and lovely but is just not her.
And if you’re wondering right now if you could perhaps pretzel yourself and learn to make do with however-much that person you’re desperately in love with can give you… maybe. Maybe you can. But in those months or years you spend numbing your feelings of disappointment, of anger, of sadness, of dissatisfaction in order to be a ‘good partner’ and not ask for ‘too much’ you are depriving yourself and your future partner of precious, never-to-return time. You are postponing your meeting by being unavailable to love. To love that doesn’t hurt and doesn’t ask you to be someone you’re not.
We don’t have all the time in the world. And every second we spend being desperately in love is a second taken away from that one person we’re going to be calmly in love with. Balanced in love. Authentic in love. Securely in love. Happily in love.
And when you get to that point, you may realise that your person was ready to meet you long before you were ready to meet them. While you were on the battlefield, they were wondering why they’re not meeting anyone special.
If your own peace of mind is not enough for you to let go, think of your future spouse / life partner / soulmate / whatever you want to call them. Are you really going to deprive the love of your life of the precious limited time they can have with you? I think that’s very shellfish (only HIMYM fans will get it).