When you outsource authority you become emotionally unavailable to yourself. And what you are you attract, so is it really any wonder you end up with emotionally unavailable partners?
Let’s think about this in practical terms. Do you drink a green smoothie every morning because someone on the internet told you it’s really good for your body? Did you ask your body? Do you measure your meals on a kitchen scale? Do you try and consume the same amount of calories every single day? Do you believe carbs are bad for you? Or maybe fats? Do you find yourself asking your therapist how you should be feeling? How a ‘normal’ or a ‘healthy’ person would feel and think about the situation you’re in?
I know I did. I did all of those things. In fact, one of my friends could probably quote me saying I prefer CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to psychoanalysis because I like receiving more guidance and tips. I used to follow a ‘nutrition plan’ that told me what to eat every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I tried my best to like jogging because hey! it’s good for you. I wore clothes that looked all kinds of alien and wrong on my body because they were the trendy loose fit everyone was wearing.
But you know what happens when you do all that? You lose track of who you are. Your hunger cues, your cravings, your actual feelings, your actual likes, what really does look good on you, how your body wants to move, how you want to live and love. You lose track of what is true and real about you.
...And then you meet someone who also lost track of their truth. Someone who promises things they can’t give because well, they don’t know what they can. Someone who doesn’t know what ‘no’ feels like, so they start resenting you for their own fake ‘yes’s. You’ve made yourself emotionally unavailable to yourself by getting disconnected from that raw, honest version of yourself and now you have attracted someone who is also emotionally unavailable to you… and themselves.
This is what it means when therapists and self-help gurus say you’re ‘looking for validation outside of yourself’. Maybe growing up you were never told that it’s okay if you don’t want to give your grandma a hug. Maybe you were in the ‘clean your plate’ club or your mom made you diet and restrict your food. Maybe there was no one there to tell you that those inner cues are real signals, that those are your boundaries and you have the right to them.
But now you are the grown-up. Now you have to validate those cues and inklings, those preferences and needs.
You need to get (re)connected to your inner truth. The inner truth about who you are. In practical terms, those are your ‘boundaries’ - what feels good and what doesn’t, how you want to be treated and how you don’t.
You have to be centered in yourself enough to say “These are my boundaries and my needs in this relationship and you may think I’m ‘demanding’ or ‘needy’ or ‘high-maintenance’ but that’s how YOU feel about my boundaries. You have the right to get connected to your inner truth as well and define what YOU need and what YOU can give - but what you can give should not define the parameters of what I need or what I can give.” In other words, if you can only offer me one piece of your cake that’s fine but I’m more of a 2-piece girl and I’m also happy to share my baked goodies, so… now we decide if this works for us or not. And if it doesn’t, then it just doesn’t - it doesn’t mean I’m high-maintenance and it doesn’t mean you’re cold and dismissive.
You build the strength it takes to stand firm in your boundaries by becoming your own source of authority on the complex multi-dimensional person that you are. And you start small.
You don’t like blueberries? Then, who cares if they’re ‘good for you’. You really like pink? Let no one tell you it’s a stereotypically ‘girly’ color. Don’t feel like running? That’s fine. Need more than 1200 cal/day? Perfectly okay.
Once you start building this muscle it really does spill over everything else in your life, including relationships. It took me a looong ass time to be able to say what I need and want in a confident way. Not with a question mark but as a statement.
Are you going to lose a couple of friends? You betcha. Lose a couple of dates, scare away some ‘casual’ people? Absolutely. But you know what you’ll find? Yourself. Your truest, most authentic self. And when you are no longer denying who you are and when you are no longer fighting or suppressing your truth, ‘alone time’ becomes peaceful. When you can make this space for an honest connection with yourself, along the line you’ll meet people who can also form an honest connection with you… and who are, finally, emotionally available.
Stay tuned for Part 2 when I share how I began this journey of self-discovery and emotional availability.