Everyone is saying that life is short. But it’s super long. It’s suuuper long. And it’s especially long if you spend it with someone who is kinda ‘Eh...’.
The One You Settled For. That person who is actually great, you may even love them profoundly but the two of you don’t quite fit together. You find yourself mellowing all of your edges, giving up your needs, or your hopes and your dreams for the kind of relationship you can say yes to for life. They don’t believe in marriage so you delete your Pinterest board. They feel like two dates a week is an overkill so you learn to make do with however much attention they decide to bestow upon you. Essentially - you learn to make do with however much they can offer.
This is the tricky part - you love them. You truly, really do. It’s not a case of ‘good on paper’ or lack of attraction, you may be having the best time together when things are good. But in all honesty, you know this love won’t be enough to bridge the gap between what you need from a partner and what they can give you.
I’m too cool to be someone you settle for
There’s a song from that show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend that I absolutely love - when that guy who is actually in love with Rebecca tries dating her friend, Heather. Heather has so much dignity and self-possession at that moment and she delivers the song equivalent of ‘someone else will love me, not just settle for me because I’m a badass’.
Sometimes when we settle it’s truly out of love. We love, love, love this person so much that we tell ourselves we can ‘make it work’. We’ll give a little, they’ll give a little, we’ll change a little, they’ll change a little until we have built this whole entire relationship on compromise. But compromise is painful. It’s the wrong size shoe that kills you a little the whole day even if it’s super pretty.
But here’s the thing - someone else has those size 8 feet and what for you is torture for them is the perfect fit.
I’m a very affectionate person. My love language is Quality time. I thrive on date nights and deep conversations, I love me some undivided attention and if I tell you you make me feel heard - you’re doing something right. My ex is a very solitary person and at the same time she’s a very busy person with an unpredictable work schedule. One of those times we had one of our looong conversations trying to sort things out she said “No one gets that with me”, meaning her undivided, 1-on-1, quality time attention.
That didn’t warm my heart though. It didn’t give me the comfort that it was perhaps supposed to. I should’ve come to terms with how incompatible we were a lot earlier and yet, there I was, trying to explain to her through tears how much that quality time meant to me and how painful it was to have her cancel yet another date on me. But it wasn’t about miscommunication, it wasn’t a matter of understanding the other person - we were simply a bad fit.
Someone else won’t care about it. Evidently, all of the other people in her life are perfectly fine with what she has to offer - no 1-on-1 time together. But this is why finding The Right Person can be so hard - there are just so many variables, so many needs and attitudes and expectations that need to align.
Ultimately, that person you’re ‘making it work’ with deserves more too. They deserve someone who is not learning to tolerate their quirks or put up with what feels like neglect. They deserve someone who feels like maybe 2 dates a week is kind of an overkill… and cancelled plans is par for the course, nothing to feel upset over.
And you do too. You deserve someone who is over the moon about those 2 nights they get to spend just talking and laughing and making out with you.
You’re not being ‘unrealistic’
Chances are, whatever you’re into there’s someone else out there who’s into it as well.
Kinksters date other kinksters, Protestants date Protestants, SJWs end up together in queer non-heteronormative gender-f*ck poly-age relationships or whatever… There’s someone out there for you.
Honestly, what are the chances that you are the only one, the only one in the whole wide world, gay lady who is somewhat traditional, non-political but more of a centrist, who enjoys long walks in nature, collects crystals, is into mish-mash spirituality and loves cuddling? Yes, I was describing myself… But whoever you are, whatever you believe in, whatever you need in a partnership - there is someone out there who has compatible values, beliefs, needs, lifestyle and goals.
I remember when after I described my ideal relationship said ex asked me “Does this person exist?” in a manner that was to let me know I was being unrealistic. Demanding. Needy. Asking for too much. But just because she couldn’t give me what I need in a partnership doesn’t mean that no one ever can.
There are all sorts of people in the world and a family-oriented woman who enjoys spending time with her girlfriend (future wife, fingers crossed) is hardly a rare phenomenon. So who told you that the person you’re looking for doesn’t exist? That you will neeeeeever find a good Christian man or someone who wants a big family or a partner who wants to travel the world with you.
I’ve heard people in the self-development world call this ‘scarcity mentality’ or ‘scarcity mindset’. I think it’s more of a case of giving our heart too fast. We don’t wait long enough to assess compatibility before we invest ourselves completely, head over heels, in a new relationship. And then, when incompatibility becomes apparent we go like “Oh, well, maybe actually no one can give me what I’m asking for”... If you only go to 2-3 stores and the only shoes you really, really like are a size too small you can start believing that there are actually no shoes that fit you, that you also like. That maybe you have abnormally large feet and no one makes shoes in your size. But you just have to keep going.
What are your wildest dreams?
Ooh, boy. I really had a hard time even admitting that what I wanted was so much more than what any of the people I had dated offered me. Someone who’s a peace-maker, who doesn’t run from conflict but looks for the win-win solution. Someone who keeps her word both about the small things and the big ones. Someone dependable and solid… and also charming and a little sentimental. I don’t care about the superficial but I do want a woman of character.
I believe in marriage and I believe it’s a life-long commitment, not something to be thrown around lightly. I want this spiritual, passionate, profound, wholesome, invigorating, healing, life-giving, soul-shaking connection. I want to trust without thinking and feel safe to be vulnerable. To feel seen for exactly who I am. To have a fantastic teammate. A slow-dancing-in-the-kitchen lover. And I am no longer accepting neglect or carelessness, or emotional abandonment or simply someone who’s too lazy to work on herself and build a meaningful partnership.
Life is long enough and I will have plenty of opportunities to settle for someone who leaves me just a little bit cold. And so will you.
But here’s the thing - when you say ‘No’ to these opportunities repeatedly and confidently, the Universe gets the message. You just have to be brave enough to let go of the wrong person and wait a little longer for the right one.