This post is a Part 2 to "Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners?" so check this one out first.
1. Intuitive eating
People often gasp in horror when I tell them that I’m an intuitive eater, “Do you mean you eat all the chocolate you want without feeling an ounce of guilt?!” Yes, yes, that’s exactly what I mean. I’m very critical of the concept of guilt and shame when it comes to meeting your needs. And that’s exactly what food is - a need. I didn’t kill a man, I had a piece of cake.
Now, intuitive eating is about more than eating chocolate in peace. It’s about recognizing your hunger and satiety cues, it’s about honoring the signals of your body and it’s about not torturing yourself above all else. I don’t live off chocolate - my body needs more diversity than that. And sometimes I find that the overly sugary foods actually make me feel bad - not mentally but physiologically. In that case, as someone who doesn’t want to feel bad, I just don’t have that extra candy bar… or I go without one at all.
But here’s the difference - it’s not to punish myself, it’s to honor the signals that my body is sending. I never go hungry, count calories or limit my portions and I’m learning not to freak out when there are days when I’m just ravenous for french fries.
I’m not perfect, I have a history of disordered eating (like most people in today’s diet culture obsessed world) but with non-judgement for my basic needs comes the acceptance for others, more complicated aspects of my inner truth.
2. Yoga
In my personal experience, yoga and intuitive eating go hand in hand. Yoga follows the same principles of non-violence and non-judgement. If I’m a little less flexible today than I was yesterday, I don’t push it. I don’t beat myself over it.
Getting connected to your body is actually an aspect of somatic experiencing - a type of therapy that relies on our connection to the wisdom of our bodies to heal trauma. I’m a huuuuge believer in the concept that we have the internal knowledge to heal ourselves and all we have to do is tap into it.
So I let my body do its thing, I follow my breath and I move to feel good not to burn calories or punish myself for that burger yesterday. I don’t rely on nutritionists and personal trainers to tell me how I am supposed to eat and what should be making me feel good - this would only further disconnect me from my inner knowledge. I try and listen to my body with acceptance and suspended judgement, the way I want someone to listen to me when I share my needs and desires. We all deserve to be heard.
3. Personal style
I’m not overexaggerating when I say that the Kibbe test changed my relationship to my body. It sounds so frivolous and vain but knowing what looks good on me really shifted my perspective and made me see the beauty of our differences and appreciate what I already have, rather than wish I was someone else.
I will never be a classic beauty like Grace Kelly who could wear whatever she wanted - but that’s okay. I don’t have to look good in a pantsuit or overalls. My body is different, my bone structure is different, my muscle composition is different, etc. When I stopped trying to be someone else and started dressing for the body that I have I became so much more appreciative of variety. It’s okay that I’m not like this girl on the catalogue of H&M who can pull off that oversized sweater. I am myself and instead of fighting it and trying to fit into whatever is trendy right now, I can show it off and be unapologetic about it.
It’s easy for this attitude to spill over other aspects of your life. It’s okay that I’m not the typical ‘progressive’, ‘queer’ woman and I’m rather more traditional. It’s okay that I’m ‘emotional’ and ‘sensitive’. It’s fine that I’m a ‘hopeless romantic’. Whatever you’ve been told by others or you’ve been made to feel insecure about - own that. Make it a big fabulous accent of your personality. Wear it like a Prada purse. Because that’s what makes you stand out and not everyone has to ‘get it’ or like it but those who do are connoisseurs.
4. Saying ‘no’
Now that’s a cliché. But saying no when you mean it is such a crucial part of recognizing and honoring your boundaries. Your ‘yes’ means nothing without your ‘no’ - that’s how boundaries work. There are the things we say yes to and then there are the things we say no to - those 2 groups need each other to have any meaning.
When I say yes to something I am in some way saying no to the opposite. For example, knowing in my bones that I’m monogamous makes it a no brainer to say ‘no’ to a poly relationship, no matter how great the person is. Knowing that my deal-breaker is feeling neglected and dismissed makes it that much easier to define what I need instead - someone attentive and emotionally present. If we’re afraid to say no, then we’re afraid to say yes as well because one implies the other. But it makes it so much easier and clear to know where we stand when an opportunity presents itself - is this aligned with what I say ‘yes’ to? Alternatively, does this feel like a ‘no’? If so, what does this go against - a value or a goal I have, an experience I enjoy?
5. I ditched activism
The current state of liberal left-leaning activism horrifies me. It’s all about diversity of skin color, ethnicity, sexuality but it discourages diversity of opinion, belief and lifestyle. It pushes groupthink under the guise of ‘educating’ you (how arrogant) out of your personal opinion. If you deviate from the ideology even an inch, you get excommunicated and called a bigot. You’re supposed to enthusiastically repeat the mantra of the day, even though just a year ago the movement stood for something else entirely.
I was ridiculed for my desire to get married by the same people who less than 10 years ago fought for marriage equality. Now marriage is deemed ‘heteronormative’ and monogamy is apparently ‘toxic’.
On the surface, you’re free to come up with your own opinion and ‘critical thinking’ is encouraged… as long as it leads you to the ‘right’ set of beliefs. But we all know how LGBT people who don’t agree with the movement - or, God forbid, are a bit conservative - are treated by queer activists. When I ditched activism I was finally free to explore how I really feel about social issues and where I really stand on the political spectrum without being tied to an ideology that framed the left as ‘morally good and pure’, the right as ‘morally corrupt and evil’ and the center as ‘wishy-washy’.
6. I don’t let people gaslight me
My reality is as real to me as your reality is to you. We can disagree on the interpretation of events and you can tell me you had completely different intentions but one thing I don’t allow and that’s denying my reality.
I know what I saw and I know how I felt and I’m certainly up for a discussion but gaslighting is not excusable whether the person is aware of doing it or not. If someone tells you ‘It hurts’ you don’t get to say that it doesn’t and that goes both ways.